Our process - A modern approach to Rational Unified Process (RUP)

We work closely with our clients to understand their needs and goals, embedding ourselves in their every day operations to understand what makes their business tick.

Our team of private investigators shadow the company director’s for several weeks while our account managers focus on going through their trash. Our senior security experts then perform social engineering hacks to gain access to their business accounts — handing that information over to our forensic accounting team.

Once the full audit is complete, we report back with a comprehensive plan and, more importantly, a budget.

Based off of the discovery phase, we develop a comprehensive roadmap for each product and start working towards delivery. The roadmap is an intricately tangled mess of technical nonsense designed to drag the project out as long as possible.

Each client is assigned a key account manager to keep lines of communication open and obscure the actual progress of the project. They act as a buffer between the client’s incessant nagging and the development team who are hard at work scouring open source projects for code to re-purpose.

Our account managers are trained to only reply to client emails after 9pm, several days after the initial email. This reinforces the general aura that we are very busy and dissuades clients from asking for changes.

Based off of the discovery phase, we develop a comprehensive roadmap for each product and start working towards delivery. The roadmap is an intricately tangled mess of technical nonsense designed to drag the project out as long as possible.

Each client is assigned a key account manager to keep lines of communication open and obscure the actual progress of the project. They act as a buffer between the client’s incessant nagging and the development team who are hard at work scouring open source projects for code to re-purpose.

Our account managers are trained to only reply to client emails after 9pm, several days after the initial email. This reinforces the general aura that we are very busy and dissuades clients from asking for changes.

About halfway through the Build phase, we push each project out by 6 weeks due to a change in requirements. This allows us to increase the budget a final time before launch.

Despite largely using pre-built components, most of the progress on each project takes place in the final 24 hours. The development time allocated to each client is actually spent making augmented reality demos that go viral on Twitter.

We ensure that the main pages of the site are fully functional at launch — the auxiliary pages will, of course, be lorem ipusm shells which get updated as part of our exorbitant maintenance retainer.